so I am on a training regiment to get my ass in shape to run the Louisville Mini Marathon, my first run ever actually >_> period, I am just planning on going and trying my best but the prep work is going to suck... First off I have cut out sodas of my diet...no more, they are bad for me and will just slow me down...the other parts is just getting out and actually running. Cook has a fitness center free for employees to use, I just gotta find it in the massive Corporate Building >_>

My current life situation is like this....

My grandfather is dying. He has lung cancer which has metastasized into multiple myeloma (cancer of the bone marrow). I have been skipping work, and working to extra to cover missed days to spend as much time as I can with him.
On an almost daily basis I break down into tears, not sure if it is cause of my grandfather or something more.
The whole thing has really put things in perspective and now I am not sure if I am happy the way things are, there are so many things I would like to do but will never be able to due to lack of money and not being able to take off of work.


I want to travel at least one more time.... I want to be able to go anywhere I want to....I think I would love to go to Europe jump around the European countries for a while, then go to Japan, and maybe South Korea...Hell I want to travel more in the US for that matter, I want to go to Seattle and to many other places in general...

I would love to find someone worth my time, every woman I have met has just been using me for something and either is just cold or could care less about what is going on in my life. The last woman played a very long game of hard to get and let me take her out on several dates and she had no interest in me at all in the first place, just used me for meals and dates. I am constantly coming home to Pete and Courtney acting cute and coupley on the couch, kissing and giggling and cuddling. Then Rachael and Brandon come home and Rachael naps on Brandon while he plays video games and I am just sitting there....no one to do such things with me....just me, I sit alone in my computer chair. My loneliness felt pretty bad when it was just Rachael and Brandon being here, but now I am permanently the 5th wheel, and it has expanded a lot. I go up to my room, to a giant bedroom with just a bed and a lamp and a half book shelf and half of a giant closet filled with clothes... I lay down on my queen size bed with one pillow and in the closet on the top shelf I see the extra pillow I got cause it was a buy 1 get 1 free sale, and it just sits there, I have no purpose for it. My Aunt bought me towels for Christmas and as a joke one says his one says hers, the hers is never used, it just hangs there, never being used, always dry, in the the empty half of the closet. I am fine being single and alone if I didn't have all this external influences making me miss the couple life. I miss cuddling and sleep in late on weekends, I miss coming home to find someone there for me, I miss late nights of just laying and talking for hours....and all of that is gone....who knows when I will have that again....

I am so tired of getting fucked over in relationships.....why does it happen, the fuck should I know why but it happens ALL THE FUCKING TIME, I Get cheated on, I get dumped suddenly and without any real reason except a lame one via a fucking text, I get cheated on and I get dumped again, I get led on to hope for another chance, get dumped for a 16 year old bitch, get dumped cause I want to spend time with someone....all within this year alone, I am sick of this shit and want it to stop right fucking now, but it won't it will just continue cause my life sucks A LOT....

What have I become? My Sweetest Friend. Everyone I know, goes away in the end.

I am wanting change...I know change may not always be the best thing to look for but I want some dammit.

For starters I CANNOT wait to move out. I like my roommates, they are pretty much my closest friends...I am just tired of being the one to clean up after them. It is a constant battle with them. I am just ready to be on my own. I miss nights of quite, as opposed to people staying up late playing games or yelling. I miss cold soda, as opposed to room temperature sodas that are sitting in a hallway floor as the food that is in the fridge molds over or just goes bad cause it is not used at all. I miss a clean kitchen for that matter, I get home from work today the milk is sitting out, the butter, sugar is wide open just sitting on the counter, there is a pan on the stove full of egg stuff that probably could have been cleaned up immediately after use but wasn't. I miss a bathroom that didn't have a large amount of clutter in the shower, or around the sink. Most of all, I miss having my electronic equipment unaltered, it seems like EVERYTIME I am about to turn on the TV, someone has gone behind there and unplugged something that didn't need to be unplugged.

I don't know how to describe how things are between me and Sarah....

My mother is seeing some dude named Bill, even though I thought her and my dad were working things out, apparently she spends some nights with this guy and he does her laundry for her....sounds like a fantastic guy. I am starting to take the approach of it would be best if I didn't know. Cause I really don't care anymore.

The zoloft seems to be doing what it is supposed to be doing finally. I feel over all a lot better.

I am starting to think more and more about moving and leaving this place behind me (Bloomington and maybe Indiana in general). I talked with Sarah one night and the conversation led me to think about life elsewhere, I do have a great job and work is hard to come by especially steady work with good benefits. If I were to go anywhere, I think I would need a degree of some sort not just my high school diploma to find anywhere near as good of a job as I have now.

I keep listening to the song Pre-Dawn which simply has the line that sums up my life right now it seems 'Holding tight your precious memories, leaving the grief in the past behind. Don't look back when you going forward to the next endeavor.'

It sucks balls =(